It was the whole process in miniature. Sometimes it goes on for years. This one happened over 54 hours.
THE HIGH (6 hours). It comes into your mind and you can’t shake it and you don’t really want to shake it. It makes you nervous. And excited. You feel like you have to do it. You don’t really know what it means and the mystery of it feels risky. But you can’t stop thinking about it. It’s pictured in your mind and you can describe it and how it feels, but not all the details or how it will happen. You have some doubts about where the idea is coming from and why. But, overall, it feels wrong to not do it. So you say ok; you have to. You commit in your heart and it’s confirmed by the others who need to say ok. The high immediately ends.
THE HELL (30 hours). Now what? No rush, and the pressure to commit to it is over, so your mind gets back on other things of the moment. But there’s a buzzing in the background. You think and put a few of the obvious pieces in place. You try to put some other pieces in place but they don’t fit. Hmmm. You move back to the other regular daily stuff. Finish up. Sleep, but the buzzzzzzz. You know, you really need to get this figured out, you tell yourself. That piece that you thought was important ain’t gonna happen; now what’re you gonna do? Hey, the same Holy Spirit who would’ve worked in him can work in you; you’ll do it yourself. In fact, it feels right to do that part yourself. You just want to be the main guy. You just want people to look at you. Actually, you’d rather go hide. Bzzzzzzzz! What about the other parts? They’re not ready yet. You’re gonna drop the ball like you always do. You’re already procrastinating! And nobody’s gonna show up! Make the call. Decide about this. Talk about that. All you need is about 2 hours to think and pray about this last main part. You call this trusting God? The buzzzz is gone. Now it’s a roar. Nobody’s gonna show up! That’ll prove it was just your own stupid little idea! Wait ‘til you come up with another idea, nobody’ll listen! This isn’t that big a deal, why are you spending so much time thinking about it? ‘Real’ ministers can do this kinda thing all the time in their sleep! You better get to work! This isn’t worth it. You hate ‘ministry.’ If you had just kept your mouth shut you could rest tonight instead of praying and planning—for what? Nobody’s gonna show up! All you care about is if anyone shows up! Well, you’re right about that; it’s always been the battle of being willing that no one show up. Pray. Prepare anyway. Cry from the pit of your spirit. You concentrate on your brief little part. You pray that you're not noticed and that all attention is on Him. The words are all His, anyway. You pray that they would hear Him. You let Him do anything He wants. People, no people, it’s just you and Him, anyway…
THE PEACE (18 hours). The roar, the buzzzzz, is gone. Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except you know what to do and you’re going to do it. Maybe it’ll end up completely different than you picture it. That’s ok. Just go down this road and do what you know to do. You’re ready. You give your instructions. Gee, there’s some people. Doesn’t matter. In the end it’s not for them. It starts. It feels like you pictured. You’re in it but it’s not you. It feels like someone else is there, in charge, not you, not the people. You have to go in a corner and cry for a minute. You know it’s not you and it wasn’t your idea. You pray that no one says a word to you about how it went. No one does. Except Him.